Being pushed down constantly by your teachers crushes your self-esteem. You're dumb. You won't go anywhere in life. Their words flow right into your ear. You spend years trying to prove them wrong, you even show them but they like to keep their ears and eyes closed. You tell yourself to ignore it but at the same time you take it all in. You act like what they say doesn't matter, when to you it does. Every word they said mattered, it hurt. Still, you don't show it cause even if your weak they're not allowed to see it. You let people in too easily, you trust them, tell them everything helps them and they leave. They don't just leave they push you down and go.
The fear of walking alone. The fear of not having friends. The fear that people won't like you. You take all this and try to walk forward but how can you? You cry in the bathroom for hours. You hurt yourself punch walls. When you see your blood it somehow makes you feel good sometimes you feel like you deserved it.
Every time you fail you slap yourself ask yourself WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB. WHY. your cheeks burn but it STILL feels good it STILL feels like you deserved it. You're so angry about what people say to you, but you never speak up. You act as a person who has lots of courage but you don't. Instead, you go to your room throw stuff around, and sometimes bite a towel to get all your anger out. You want all those people who left to come back but they never do. They look at you cry and walk right past you. Then comes the worst part when your walking and thinking about how they're never gonna come back you think about how your so ugly and dumb and how your that person who won't go anywhere in life. As that scary thought inside you goes deeper you breathe faster and faster. Everything gets blurry. You move your hands trying to get support, try to speak instead you fall right to the ground. It pains but you can't scream. You wake up to see your hand swollen it hurts like anything but you tell yourself again you deserved it. You wear a smile every day, a thousand masks. Well, how can you remove them and show them how broken you are? How can you show them your ugly worthless self? How can you let them in on all those thoughts in your head?
You sit on the roof, just one jump, and it's over. It's enough I can't do this anymore. You try to let go to just jump but you cant. You hate yourself for that. You hate yourself cause you even scared of just jumping, you don't even have the courage to do that.
It's not easy it isn't, it's so hard when people don't take what you're going through seriously. When your friends joke about it. There are days when you would do anything to be happy, to get those people who left to come back. But you need to accept it, they left you they're not coming back. Don't ruin your happiness because of others. Wipe your tears, stand up and move on and just smile and pass on that beautiful smile.
You need to remember you are not what others say you are, you don't need to prove anything to them. They might not like you. But who cares, It's YOU. So leave them and make your world. Let people you like in in your world. work towards what you want. In the end, it's all up to you.
Don't hit yourself YOU DON'T DESERVE IT.
I'm not ashamed of what I went through I don't want to erase my past, no matter how much it hurt, how much it scared me. It made me much stronger and now I can actually say that I'm happy. That the smile on my face is not fake.