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I Wish I Could Just Forget It All

I’m a girl who used to self harm till 3 days ago. I’d tried to stop multiple times but I was doing it for so many reasons, self hatred, bottled up feelings, bad memories, because sometimes I couldn’t feel anything, sometimes I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling, and to punish myself. I wasn’t doing it to die, I was doing it to live. My sister somehow found out and told my mother there were scratches on my arms. My mother confronted me, I denied it, eventually I told her that I’d write it down, I’d write down how I got them. My mother was afraid that it was because I was playing some game, or because of some boy. I didn’t tell her all the reasons, I just told her I was disappointed in myself. I told her that I was never going to do it again. I meant it, I promised and I meant it because I’d seen how messed up it was, it wasn’t controlling me anymore. She tried to ask me why I felt that way. I said I didn’t know, she said that she was never disappointed in me, but I’ve heard her express her disappointment more than enough times. I also have a disability, a hearing disability, it’s been hard on her, but no ones ever thought about how hard it is on me. I’ve always let people say all sorts of shit about me and laughed with them I’ve always been misunderstood. And while my mother sat there saying that I’ve taken a big step, that I can’t be weak like that, I couldn’t help but feel worse. When you act like nothing fazes you for that long, sometimes you crumble, so what I was weak for a while, but I know I won’t be anymore. She said I should see a counsellor because she doesn’t know what’s going on in my head. But I’m fine now, I can see clearly now. It’s hurting me so much, I regret it so much, I want to forget it ever happened. But as soon as I started to decide that I was going to be confident now, another such episode occurred. This time it was the scratches on my stomach. When I said I wouldn’t show her she said she’d tell my dad. She said he’d feel horrible, she said he wouldn’t trust me anymore. When she finally saw, she started saying things like “you’re making me sick” and “I think you’re a psycho child” and it hurt so much it hurt more than anything has ever hurt. She must’ve been shocked but I wish she hadn’t said that because now it won’t stop replaying in my head. She confirmed everything wrong I thought about myself. I didn’t want to tell her because I thought she’d blame herself instead she’s blaming me, she’s saying that she can’t trust me to ever move away and live on my own if I take failure like that. Am I really crazy? Is there really something major wrong with me? If there was wouldn’t my instinct have made me hurt myself again? Because I’ve done nothing of the sort, I haven’t even felt like it. I wrote a note to my dad but couldn’t give it to him, because what if I ruin our happy family.

Written By - Anonymous

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