top of page

Snitch


I don't know if people have different experiences, but I've felt and still feel influenced by horrible memories that I can't help but hold on to. I want to know if there are people who go through this, because as selfish and rude it may look, I want to know that there's someone who knows what I feel so that I can talk to them about it because there are some matters that other people don't understand. I still remember, as a first-grader, when I was on the bus with some seniors. We were playing a game that I had won. As I celebrated, I felt a slap across my face. And then I blacked out once my head hit the window. When I woke up, I looked at the person who had hit me.


He was laughing with his friends, other seniors who I thought would side with me. They pretended as nothing happened. There were no teachers, and no maids on the small bus, and no one found out. I remember cradling my cheek as I cried and had no one to tell about it, and the pain continued for another two years. I would get hit and beaten up for what others think was no fault of mine. I had small bruises and cuts that I was able to hide from anyone, and I did that. I hid it all for so long because I was so scared that people would believe a 6-year-old child. When I told someone about it for the first time, they comforted me as much as they could, trying to convince me that it wasn't my fault in any way. But the problem was that it was too late. I was 8 years too late. I waited for so long to tell someone, that the thoughts that I had in my mind were burned in. I ended up blaming myself for 8 years because I thought it was something that *I* said, that *I* had done. It seems illogical to think that, because I can't seem to remember what I had said, or if I had said anything at all to deserve daily beatings.


But I assumed since I found no other reason at the time. That assumption was stuck and is still stuck with me. I always think that it was my fault. Ever since I've been so wary of what I say. My friends have called me confident, but I'm really not, because I'm scared of what others will think of me if I make the wrong move. The fact that I was ridiculed and made fun of for various flaws that I have because of my health hasn't helped much either. I can't stand up for myself, because I'm scared of saying the wrong thing and getting hit again. Because I still have that feeling with everyone- on the bus, at school, everywhere. I left those seniors a long time ago, but I'm scared that people like them will emerge and come after me if I do the wrong thing. I was even scared of coming out, hoping that it would only stay with my friends.


But it just spread out, and people who I didn't want to find out did and treated me like it was wrong to be who I am. It just takes me back to thinking that if I'm myself and talk too much, or do the wrong thing, even if I think it's right, people will make fun, hit, or leave me. I never told anyone about my problems, and I made sure not to even think of it after being labeled as a 'snitch' a few years ago. I just wanted to try to tell people that I was hurt... is that too much to ask for? For people to understand my pain and stop? Because they never listened when I asked them to stop. They never listened and made everything worse when I tried to talk. I had to consult someone, and that just made matters worse. It was horrible for me to go through all that. I hated every moment that I lived through for a long time.


But I hate that I never stood my ground and went to someone to talk until it was too late. I hate myself for shutting up when people called me a snitch, instead of getting help no matter what happened. Because of that, I now criticize how I speak, my personality, and my looks, because that was another reason for people to make fun up. I criticize myself because I never got help to stop when I could. It's now burned into my mind. I was too scared to ask for help because of everyone judging me because I thought no one would side with me, and now I'm suffering for it.


But I'm saying this because I want people to know that it's not wrong to tell a person when you're going through something, even if you're made fun of and insulted if you do. I want people to know that there's nothing stopping them, because they matter, not the jerks that bullied them. This entire thing isn't the worst situation that a person can go through, but it's something that's bothered me for so long, seeing myself like this, seeing other people like this. This problem may not be as bad as other topics, but I had to speak about it.

bottom of page